It’s been quite some time since I last talked about S and her character traits. I have recently been having a lot of comments and emails about this topic, so I thought it would be a good time to talk about a high-needs three year old. If you are new to this blog or don’t have a high needs or spirited child please read my first post about it. It will help to explain just what I am talking about, the kids who need more of everything.

I want to to tell you that at almost 3 1/2, life with has gotten way better. Parenting has become much easier now that she has the ability to express herself verbally. So, for those of you with spirited toddlers it WILL get better once they can talk, I promise. That being said, it is your responsibility to find out just what kind of communication will work for your child. Once I figured out how to talk to S things began to really fall into place and our lives became much easier, the tantrums lessened and she became a happier person.

Around her third birthday we began to have real issue with S whining constantly and throwing what felt like 8-hour tantrums. She had also lost her nap at this time and would not do quiet time. It was pushing me to the edge of sanity and I was losing my cool way too many times. When I mean losing my cool I mean have full blown screaming kicking tantrums myself. I’ll be honest: I began to hate her. When I realized this, I knew something was way out of whack. We were out of balance she and I, and neither of us were happy or getting enough rest. I knew I needed to look at what the underlying issue was. S likes to do things right the first time, gets very mad when she can’t, and will give up immediately if it is not coming out as she had envisioned. This, combined with shutting out what someone has to say before they have finished saying it was beginning to cause real problems. I tried for months and months to use respectful communication but it was to no avail. If she was upset and I tried to validate her feelings she would get even madder and become violent, as if I was undermining her. She didn’t want to listen to my attempts to connect with her.

With one last attempt before for taking her to a child counselor, I found the book Love and Logic. This book has been such a life savior. It is not high needs specific, but the methods of communication taught in it works very well for spirited kids. It is a method of communication based on empathy, logic and boundaries. And a whole lot of humor. The setting boundaries was key for S and her ability to feel secure. High-need kids test their boundaries so often and with such strong conviction that it’s very easy to let all the power fall on their shoulders as you try to quell massive tantrums. You know the kind I mean, the ones that start because you put the wrong pair of winter tights on under, not over, the bathing suit she is wearing when it is 50 degrees outside.

I’ll be honest once again and say that I was scared to put my foot down about anything, I feared that it would ruin the whole day due to tantrums. I was terrorized by her tantrums, and by thinking that by letting her have one I was somehow not connecting with her. That I would ruin her, damage her for life. But I was not showing her my confidence in being her mother, her caretaker, and her role model. I was showing her that I had no conviction in saying “no” to crazy requests and constantly had weak boundaries. I knew that part of the problem we were having was with my parenting, and so I decided to change it. In the beginning this was hard for me and for her, but once I began to feel confident in the boundaries I set she began to feel more secure and respectful of the rules I was laying down. I’ve found that it helps to have a set of rules that never change, and within those rules she can have a lot of other freedoms. For example: when we go out you must wear weather-appropriate clothing. Period. But at home you can wear whatever you like as long as there are no house guests. This solved our problem of going out in a bathing suit and tights. At first she was not happy with this rule at all but as time passed and she saw that I would not budge and she accepted and is happy to put on a nice outfit of her choosing when we go out.

Sleep. I know that many of you would like to know about her sleeping habits. I am very happy to report that she is sleeping through the night. So your child will sleep eventually too! Helping her to sleep through the night and even go to sleep was a very long process, months really. I think daytime boundaries really helped in this case. As for helping her go to sleep I had to teach her about closing her eyes and relaxing her muscles. Because S is on the go all day she is often still hyped up in the evening and wants to run and jump and do ballet leaps before going to sleep. So I have her get into bed and take deep breaths to relax all her muscles and then I taught her to close her eyes. She does all of this now on her own, I don’t even think about it, but before it was a nightly part of our routine. Teaching her close her eyes was crucial as she would leave them open until she passed out. I’m not sure if she thought she would miss out on something or not.

She still wakes up too early but I will take a full 8 hours sleep and get up early no problem. We are now working on waiting to wake me up until the appropriate time. We live near a bell tower that rings at 7am and she’s now excited to wait until that time to start her day (most of the time, and when her sister allows). Waiting for me to come get her when I wake up on my own (I’m a morning person, so probably still around 7am) will take another few months.

Eating habits. For a while after S turned three she began to get picky about vegetables, like all three-year olds do. I paid no attention to it and continued to give her the same meals we adults were eating. I only asked her to try one bit of everything. She wasn’t required to like it, only to try it. She is coming around again to being a veggie lover, mostly via her love of veggie soup and my promises of ballerina-level bones and ligaments if the veggies are eaten. Boundaries, consistency, and carrots are key.

The last question I have gotten a lot in emails is about having a second baby if your high needs kid is your first.  Should you have a second one? Will you resent your high needs child if your second is cool as cucumber? My answer to this is a resounding yes, do not stop yourself from having the second baby you want because of this. We knew within S’s first month of life that a sibling would be so important for her. I won’t say that adding number two was all rainbows and unicorns, because it was not (more like thunderstorms and chimeras). It was really, really tough in the beginning to help S adjust to being a sibling, and something you do wonder if it was the right choice. I wrote a post about it here. But now that V is almost 2 I am seeing the benefits for S of having baby number two. She has a constant playmate to take away some of the attention that she previously needed from me; she has someone to whom she can teach things; she gets to help me around the house and play mommy sometimes. This makes her feel important and useful.  Having a sibling is also teaching her social boundaries, since she’s not in preschool yet.

So how did I feel after having V? I will admit for about a month I wanted to give S up for adoption. But V was so calm and slept all the time and was such a happy baby that it gave us balance, she made me hopeful for the future and still does. And then there’s something my husband calls “law of conservation of scoundrelness”, which means that if V is having a tantrum, S automatically becomes “the good one”. V is still happy and loving most of the time, but she has the occasional ferocious tantrum to balance things out; it’s nice not having to worry about those now that I know better.

The age range of 3-3.5 is really tough for any child. So much is changing for them physically, mentally and emotionally, and it is so amplified when you have a kid who needs more then you can give. But I want you to know that it will get better. There are still tantrums and battles of will but things are so much better now. You will get more sleep, you will have more fun with them and you will love them dearly. 

If you have any questions or need to talk please leave a comment or email me!

We went back yesterday morning to our favorite spot by the river, which also happens to have the nettle/lemon balm patch and we began to pick the nettles. I showed her how to avoid touching the leaves and to pick the very top tender ones. She took to it like a bee to a flower, collecting most of the leaves in the bag. And V? She loved holding the bag open for us (with her own little gloves on, of course).

So yesterday evening after prepping the nettles I made up a very tasty dish of cauliflower, nettles, brown rice and creme fraiche   It was really tasty, though this particular head of cauliflower was a little more bitter than I would have liked. S and D both approve of the nettles, but V wouldn’t touch it for anything in world. Next I would like to try making a quiche and then possibly soup or pesto. I could really get used to this whole “free food” thing!

Recipe for 4 adults

Ingredients:

• 1 grocery bag full of nettles (like spinach, they shrink A LOT when prepped)
• 1 cup of chopped cauliflower
• 1 cup of brown rice
• 2 cups of veggie stock
• 8 oz of creme fraiche
• grated Parmigiano Reggiano (or Pecorino Romano) for additional yummy-ness
• salt and pepper to taste

Start by prepping your nettles, whether you foraged for them or bought them at the farmers market (basically boil, drain, chop). Boil the chopped cauliflower until tender and then drain and set aside with the drained chopped nettles.

Using a good veggie stock, cook one cup of rice in a big pot until tender and all the stock is absorbed. Turn off the heat and fluff the rice with a fork. Add the cauliflower and nettles to the rice, as well as the creme fraiche.  Mix until combined, then add salt and pepper to taste. Sprinkle on grated parmiggiano and serve warm.

But S loves soup and so do I, and since I have yet to find stock here and will NOT use bouillon cubes I needed to find a good veggie stock recipe. I turned to Feeding the Whole Family.

I used her recipe as a base and made just a few changes. Since we are still in a vacation rental I also have no jars in which to store my food. So I decided to be frugal and reuse the tomato sauce jars that I had. What’s great about them is that that each jar holds just enough stock for a four-person batch of soup. So, how do I make this yummy stock?

Ingredients:

• 1 leek cut in half and dirt washed out
• 2 large carrot or two small
• 1 onion cut in half (skin on if it’s clean and organic)
• 2 celery sticks
• 1 sprig of rosemary
• teaspoon of fresh thyme
• 3 tablespoons of nutritional yeast
• 1 piece of kombu

In a medium sized pot over medium high heat, toss in all the ingredients listed above. Fill the pot with water to about 2 inches below the rim. Put the lid on and let it simmer away for a good 45 minutes. When it’s smelling amazing and has gained a nice stock look to it turn off the heat. You can let it sit for a while or scoop out the veggies right then. (don’t forget to add the veggies to your compost bin! I cringe every time I throw these out as we can’t compost right now). Use right away or store in bottle in the fridge for up to a week.

***Note: because this recipe has no fat in it, I like to add a few drop of  olive oil to the jars after they have been filled just to add that air tight seal to them.

I used this stock recently for asparagus soup and risotto. Tell me what soup do you love the most?

This morning I was feeling a bit home sick so I decided to take the girls out for a really long walk. I feel like getting out into nature is a cure-all. You forget whatever was in your inbox or the tantrums, dirty laundry, unfinished work stuff whatever is putting a kink in your rhythm.

We walked at their pace which allowed us to linger longer then I might have done alone or with D. We found so many wonderful things along the way: new flowers, wild lemon balm, a bird egg on a branch, and even tadpoles. We saw many different kinds of birds and even a mallard family with eight ducklings.

On the return home I suddenly remembered an old and dear friend. I heard her laughter in the running water and looked down at my feet and remembered how many trails we had walked together. I began humming a little song from our camp days that she always sings and S stopped me and asked me to sing it again. She asked me to sing it over and over so that she could learn the words because she liked it so much. Through happy tears welling in my eyes I sang it over and over, feeling closer to my friend and closer to S. Sharing a part of me with her that I hold so dear in my heart.

As we neared the end of the trail and the busy road back home, S asked to sit down in the shade and told me she would tell me when she was ready to leave. I followed her lead and we just lingered, listening to the birds, watching the butterflies and just being in the moment.

Yesterday I even made a new friend. We had seen each other around (wearing our respective babies) and finally talked to one another after running into one another at the local gelateria. I so look forward to getting to know her more, she must have great stories if she spent the last 13 years living on boats.

These last five days we:

• went to the park
• had special breakfasts
• took naps
• missed naps
• went swimming
• romped in a meadow
• stayed up way too late
• got up way too early
• had Indian take out
• ran into many new new friends
• learned about wild edibles
• cleaned the house only to have it un-cleaned in 5 minutes
• found a forbidden castle
• ate so many taste meals in together, pleasantly!

What have you been up too? I’ve missed you all.

Have a wonderful week!

As a kid I can remember spending hours wandering around antique stores with my mom and my aunt. They would look for treasures and I would think: “can I go home and play now”? What I didn’t realize then was that their thriftiness would rub off on me. All those hours  spent looking at glassware and furniture, kitchen gadgets and old post cards in the end weren’t so bad. I know my mother is reading this and saying, “I told you so!”

Every first weekend of the month the town of Valbonne holds an antique fair. Having been to a european antique fair ten years ago when I was living in Italy I knew this would be good. It wasn’t going to be filled with old McDonald’s happy meal toys and people’s old Ikea furniture.  There would be really cool stuff.  So after feeding my family lunch I said, “stay here, I’ll see you later”. Camera in hand I set off to look around, without my wallet mind you (safety first!). When we have our own place I’ll be back with my wallet for sure.

I found some really incredible things which I had to share with you all. Like the portable wood-fired cast iron stovetop in the picture before this one. In the picture above you can see two automated roasting spits. You place the meat on the skewers and then wind the turning mechanism and put the meat over you open fire/coals. I’m so tempted to get one of these!

Click, clack, click, clack. (Hubby note: ever tried to type on an AZERTY keyboard? It hurts the brain)

A copper purse. Just what you want to bring with you on an airplane! (Hubby note: the copper purse is for the train, as you would be the… conductor)

Hand ground coffee? Yes please. (Hubby note: it’s all fun and games until you need to make espresso)

Cute hand painted bird bowl…I almost went to ATM!

Incase you need to have a fancy pants old world banquet.

A horse foot flask. Not sure I want to drink out of this. (Hubby note: it’s for real men)

Epic Scissors of Doom.

Pages from a bird studies book.

I think this was originally used in a nativity scene. Here in Europe, or at least in Italy, at Christmas time in the churches they set up huge nativity scenes, which often include complete towns. (Hubby note: maybe it’s a really creepy toy house)

Clay bundt pans. I’m curious to know how well that works.  There were a million other cool random things I saw but didn’t photograph. Medieval weapons, paintings, linens, furniture, boxes of jewelry and pearls. There was even a booth with old printing press keys. I might do a monthly feature on this just for fun.

What is the coolest thing you’ve ever found at an antique store or fair?

Also: Two of my sponsors are holding a giveaway over at Mothering with Mindfulness. If you love the toys Armadillo Dreams makes here is your chance to win a toy subscription!

Do you have any knowledge to share about wild edibles? Have you gone searching for them? What books do you like. I want to know everything!