One of the most important parts about being a mother is finding balance and rhythm for your children and yourself. When one or both of you is out of balance everything around you seems that much harder to deal with. So it is then your job to find your way back to balance. This was case for V and I back at the beginning of January. Suddenly our wonderful loving relationship began to fall apart: she went from being a happy baby to a cranky, irritable one; she wanted to nurse all night and day even after eating full meals; she asked to nurse when she was bored and would throw a tantrums when I said no as she had just nursed an hour ago; she was consistently mean to me when we did breast feed, biting, pinching, and kicking. I began to resent breast feeding her and dreaded it. I could feel that something was not right. I did not have this experience with S.
I felt so sad because I had really wanted to allow her to wean herself; to have that moment when she said “thank you but I am done.” However I could see that that was not going to happen. The breaking point came one night when I spent 5 hours straight breastfeeding her. I was so tired and aggravated that she would neither allow me to go to sleep or latch off the breast. When I did latch off she would scream and scream. My breast were sore, aching, and empty. My heart felt the same. And so I made the decision to wean her. At 17 months and 22 pounds she was capable of eating 5 small meals a day on her own.
The transition was harder on me then it was on her. She would ask for the breast and I would tell her there was no more. She would sort of shrug and move on. I made sure to give her lots of extra hugs and kisses. The most immediate change was a happy baby again. Then bedtimes went from 45-60 minutes down to 10-15. Naptime became a breeze and now even D could help put her to sleep.
As for me I struggled internally with the question of “am I doing the right thing?” A question I’m sure every parent asks themselves. As my breasts engorged and then eventually emptied I felt such a loss and so much freedom at the same time. I too became happier. No more scratching or biting or pinching. I got to wear my nice shirts again and bought myself new bras.
Two months later I feel just as connected to her as before and she seems no worse off for it. She is happier and sleeps better and I could not ask for more.
I wanted to share this with you all because I read so many stories about how mothers had wonderful breastfeeding experiences and it ends so calmly and peacefully with the child letting go first. I did not have that experience and I wanted to share in case other mothers are feeling guilt because they are not having as beautiful an experience as they would like. No mother should come to hate breastfeeding. If you do, you know something is out of balance and you’ve got to get it back.
****Please feel free to share your story. I would love to hear them. But only leave kind, thoughtful, constructive comments as I know breastfeeding is a very delicate issue.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m going to send it to a Mama I know who could really use this right now.
Wonderful! Please do.
I firming believe it has to be mutually beneficial. I have had each of my kiddos self- wean; one at 17 months, one at 2.5yr and another at 33 months. Each was different. So glad you are both doing well.
Thanks! Maybe the next one will wean on their own, if there is one of course
I should add that the first two self-weaned while I was pregnant with the next baby. I seriously wondered how my last child would wean, since I wouldn’t be pregnant with any more kiddos. He did and it all worked out.
S self-weaned while I was pregnant with V. She got a terrible sickness one weekend and didn’t want to eat. When she was better she didn’t want the breast anymore.
This is my first time commenting here but your post really spoke to me. I am struggling with this right now with my 21 month old, who is our second child as well. Not every nursing session is difficult, but a lot of them entail her kicking and scratching and poking. If I tell her she can’t nurse for the 18th time that day she will also throw a tantrum. My first hardly nursed during the day at this age, but this second child of mine seems to be wanting it more and more. We haven’t found our solution yet but it was so comforting to read your words and know that we are not alone in our experience. (Some days I do feel like I’m failing be because I don’t want to do another session, I dont want to be touched anymore or I worry that I am doing something wrong which is causing her to act this way) Good for you that you found a solution for both you and your daughter which helped restore your relationship and thank you for sharing your experience.
I’m glad you have finally commented! It is hard isn’t it when you don’t want your child to touch you. I’m glad my words gave you some comfort and I hope that you find some solution soon.
I have a story about that in me somewhere. Keep mulling over how I want to write it, but–for the space of a comment–suffice to say, it isn’t always sunshine and butterflies, is it? I’m glad that you both are doing well and doing what’s right for the two of you!
Your article about stretch marks is what gave me the courage to post this.
Great post KC! We, Reece and I have had our moments on our breastfeeding journey, but we have always found our way of of them together, which I am grateful for. We are still going strong, and we are both enjoying it.
Thank you! I thought about you as I wrote this post. I’m so glad your journey is still going well.
KC, thank you for your honesty here. A breastfeeding relationship is between two people: mother and child. You have done right by your girl(s) and I’m happy to hear that you also listened to your voice (and V’s). It sounds like you’ve made a healthy transition toward the next phase. Big love to you (and your girls) and continue to follow your mama-instinct, it will always serve you well. ox, sister.
Thank you Lisa! Your love and encouragement means so much to me. It was a hard decision to make but I am glad I made it.
Oh the breastfeeding relationship can be such a tricky one. My oldest weaned at 34 months, just before the birth of #2. He did it quite on his own, no muss, no fuss. #2 is still going at almost 4. It is a relationship, that while we can watch and talk about, really it has to be exclusively between mother and child. It is supposed to be a beautiful thing you share, not a chore. It seems quite obvious that your decision was spot on and just what was needed for both of you. It is hard to let it go, but the bigger picture is more important sometimes. You grew a beautiful, strong little girl. Well done Mama! Now enjoy the next phase!
Thank you for sharing your story Jennifer. I do agree breastfeeding should not be chore. Thank you for the encouragement too!
I initiated weaning with both Liam and Isaac although the transition was fairly painless for both of them. I weaned Liam at age 2 when I was 3 months pregnant with Isaac. I just could not handle all of the discomforts of being pregnant and nursing at the same time. He was down to only once a day by then and was basically okay with it. It mostly involved a change in routine for Jeff to put him to bed for a while. Isaac weaned at 15 months. By then I had been pregnant or nursing for almost 5 years and it was starting to feel like a major chore for me. I really wanted full autonomy over my body again. Thankfully, Isaac never really needed nursing in the same emotional way that Liam did and it went pretty smoothly. Both times I remember feeling some guilt but also recognizing that I had to take care of myself too and consider the impacts to both me and my son when evaluating whether to continue or not. Now that I am pregnant with #3 (I don’t think you knew that!), I am curious to see how it goes this time, especially since I’ve had a long break and I definitely don’t plan to get pregnant again. My nursing relationships with both boys was very different, reflective of their different personalities, so I’m guessing this next baby will bring its own unique challenges and joys too! Thanks for sharing such an honest post.
Thank you for sharing Kathleen! I’ve really enjoyed reading everyone’s stories. With S we were going strong until I got pregnant. Breastfeeding would make me vomit horribly and S got sick and sort of weaned herself so it ended up being a mutual ending.
Congratulations on number three!!
Thank you for sharing your story KC. Breastfeeding my first was a horrible experience. The second was a dream but I was so paranoid that something was going to go wrong in the beginning. When he did wean it was an easy but sad transition. Each child and situation is different. I learned a lot … And continue to learn from the challenges I still face with my first born. Now that I know her better as a person our nursing experience makes sense… Not so much easier to let go of the sadness surrounding the experience but some release that I did all I could, including pumping for six months to give her mama’s milk.
I think it is great for you to put this out there. More mom’s need to hear stories like this.
Thanks Dawn, it was hard to put this out there but I felt like I needed to share so other mama’s who felt the way I did could relate to someone. As Meryl said it’s not all sunshine and butterflies all the time.
I’m glad you were able to have a good second experience and that the first time did not deter you. Each child really is so different. I wrote a whole post for Lisa, about how birth experience relates to babies personalities.
It is nice to know others go through ups and downs. For us most of the harder times are due to teething or illness. Sometimes I want to wean my son but I don’t think either of us are ready to stop just yet.